"Life is an adventure to be lived, not a problem to be solved"
This is Reporting 'life' from Washington... a parent, a diplomat's wife and ambitious career-driven female who's left her job stability and security in the UK to write a new chapter. How's that going?
We’ve crossed the tricky 10-week line. We were warned it was a ‘thing’ and strangely enough at 10 weeks to the day we had two pictures fall off the wall, we accidentally locked the cat outside all night, the school called us about one of the kids (twice!) my exasperation peaked trying to navigate US healthcare, and family back home texted with sad news that we couldn't comfort with real life hugs. I guess I knew we couldn’t hold this buoyancy forever - it peaked at about 40mph on an airboat mid-Everglades National Park in late February. The shiny newness was always going to evolve into our new reality to navigate. It’s still a good reality. The discomfort is real, but the adventure and belief in what lies ahead still dwarfs it.
A big adjustment for the four of us is the shifting household dynamics. The dual career couple life we’ve had for over 15 years (excluding my maternity leaves) has become imbalanced. We’ve both been out earning, growing careers, building personal pride and impact doing roles which carry a strong societal service ethos. We equally enjoy a sense of achievement in the work we deliver and the life we can provide for our kids. But for now, my pause button has been pressed and I find that hard in terms of how - like it or not - I measure my value. My dwindling financial contribution to the household, less meaningful problems to solve, few colleagues to help. On the flip side, I no longer greet the kids on weekdays at 7pm tired, impatient, head buzzing with problems to solve, fighting mentally to be present for them. Instead, they get me at 4.30pm asking lots of questions about new friends and school dinners, nagging about homework, handing out chores and sharing the events of my day. It’s a big adjustment, not just for me, but for the kids and my husband. The kids get more of us both. Their Dad is home by 6pm most days. This is why we came. To have more time with them before their independence grows. I’m learning to be a better listener, coach, and teacher and less of an instructor and fixer. I think they like it… most of the time. The feedback will come sooner or later. I am not a natural at it or well-practiced.
The dynamics and challenges of dual career couples aren’t written about very much - or at least I’ve not found them, yet it’s a huge phenomenon. An unplanned jolt in the balance upsets the apple cart. What felt like a marriage of equals has gone a bit skew whiff. I am finding it harder than Luke and dredging up all sorts of silly justifications - not that I need to - for why it’s ok that I’m not working at the moment and will only be taking on contract or part-time work whilst here. Not that it’s even true as I work about 0.5 days a week in my NED role for ParalympicsGB, have some coaching clients and volunteer mentoring & advisory projects. So maybe the money is my issue - I’m not contributing as I was. But I think whilst wanting a sense of my value to be recognised, it’s also about wanting to feel a part of something meaningful outside of the household. Where he feels connected to a purpose and workplace, has nutty and complex problems to vex his brain, meets new people daily, gets invited to events… I feel shut off and a bit lost. I know he carries a sense of guilt that I’m uncomfortable and have given up a lot. The Government thanks me for my support for King and Country. What I gain here will be down to what I create from an overwhelming set of unknowns. I am confident it won’t turn to anger; I am complicit in the decision to be here. Our values and dreams as a couple go beyond our working identities. I will always need a purpose and problems to solve outside the house and given my focus on leadership I’m pretty sure I can find a way to be useful in DC! Whilst I feel a real tension between the words sacrifice and opportunity, my energy, grit, ambition and optimism drive me. I hope Luke feels proud that he’s brought about this adventure for us all.
What am I learning now?
Since arriving I have been hungry to get under the skin of the USA and why it is the way it is. I have started with history - the Revolution and Declaration of Independence, Civil War, the Annexation of Texas, Slavery, Race & Civil Rights - the 13th, 14th and 15th Amendments, Native Indian treaties. I don’t think you can understand where America is today or its culture and social challenges without understanding more about the foundations on which it has been built. Last week I dipped into politics and Government and went to Capitol Hill - a tour of the Capitol building and an explanation of the political system - only 3% of bills that have come to Congress have made it to Law in 10 years! It looks like a governing system much more akin to the European Union than the UK. Genuinely diverse states with different perspectives and interests seeking ways to be united in progress. I collected a pass to sit in the gallery and observe the House of Representatives and the Senate whilst they go about their work - can’t wait for that. With the presidential election looming in November what an extraordinary time to be able to indulge!
What am I surprised about?
The UK is better at many things than we allow ourselves to celebrate. Healthcare, customer service, employment deals to name a few… and light lunch cafes with sandwiches and jacket potatoes! I wish the British mindset could focus on what’s good and not what’s wrong. Separate the politics from national pride and own a history full of learnings that we can improve on - good and bad. American pride is ubiquitous, contagious, and uplifting. Even as dark histories are told and current inequalities and disputes fought over, God will still bless America as the land of the free, and one fighting for a country that can live up to its constitution.
What am I looking forward to?
Spring. The cherry blossom is popping, the sun is radiating, the skies are getting bigger and bluer. Like in the UK we have daffodils, hellebores, crocuses. The clocks have just changed. Longer days are coming.
My ‘quarter one’ performance appraisal by the kids on my (self-appointed) role as Head of Family Fun & Travel. Orlando, Miami, the Everglades, Florida Keys, dolphin swimming, basketball games, Dunkin Donuts, Chick-fil-et, fighter jet simulators… that’s just the first 10 weeks. Mid-year ramps up to Arizona and Utah.
Living… that… dream.